There are days when i am not burning, days when i feel infinitely far from Him. I am not one to say how i am supposed to feel, i am just convinced it should be somehow different than this. I want to walk in His presence. I want to feel these things that i see in others. I want to lay flat on a floor for hours because the revelation of His presence is that real, that powerful. I am convinced that if we ever have a moment where we enter into right understanding of who it is we worship we will be broken, we will lie motionless for hours on end with the overwhelming truth of who He is. There are these brief moments for me, these small nanoseconds of Him in me where I find myself walking down a hallway at school and breaking into a joyful laughter. There are these fleeting seconds of overwhelming who knows what to call it where i am struck for an instant and i find myself tearing up, not so much that it could be defined as crying, but enough that i wonder what it must really feel like to know Him.
I am torn. That's enough right there. That sums up perfectly this moment. I am torn. If I could explain that to you then it would all be settled.
In Matthew 11:7 Jesus says of John the Baptist, "What did you go out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken in the wind." In my mind's eye I imagine a fiery John the Baptist, steadfast, solid, with crazy eyes and hair. I don't think about Him baptizing or proclaiming, though I know he did quite a bit of both. What I see is a man who spent hours with his God, a man who was unmovable, unshakable. I don't think about ministry, it almost never crosses my mind. What I think about is will I ever know God? For real. Will I ever see what John the Baptist saw? And If I do see it. Oh how I want to look all crazy and insane. I want to be that guy. I really do.
